Jeff Astrof has 100 days off. See how he spends them.

Day 28

with 4 comments

My wife has noticed that when you open this journal on the iphone it has a little Google ad at the top based on what Google thinks the post is about.  So far, the ads have been for things like “Hernia Surgery for Less“, “Fight Obesity“, and for some reason “Ohio Immigration Services“.  I’m not sure what to make of this other than to think that maybe I’m not representing myself as positively as I should be.  (Google ad: “Boost self-image“)

Speaking of my wife, today was not my finest moment.  We went to a friend’s house for lunch, something we do maybe one or two Saturdays a month.  I sent flowers with the card “Thanks for having us.  Most people don’t invite us back a second time.”  It was a joke that everyone got.  In fact, when the host showed the card to the table, each of the guests told a story about a time when I offended them or someone they knew and how they first hated me, but what redeemed me is my wife.  I guess it could have been seen as a nice moment for my wife, but then again, she married this schmuck.  Anyway, that wasn’t the bad part.  You see, this time there was someone new at the table.  A nice enough guy, I’ll call him Sam, a couple of years younger than me but recently divorced, somewhat abrasive and more than a little drunk.  He was cursing a little in front of the kids, telling inappropriate stories, the kind of stuff that made me think, “Ha!  This time people aren’t going to be talking about me.”  After I silenced the table with a gone-too-far joke about Kirk Douglas, I quickly turned the focus back to Sam, asking him about his ex-wife (having a drunk guy talk about his ex-wife is certain to push the needle to the right on the Ass-o-meter and thus take any pressure off of me).  His response, “Well, I just started dating someone.”  Me: “Really, what’s she like?”  Sam: “Well, she’s 28.”  Me: “No fair!”   (“Divorce Lawyers in LA“)

Now, of course, at that moment, I realized what I said was extremely stupid.  So to get out of the moment, I took the tack of going forward with the joke: “Come on, with you it’s like I have a 28 year old and a teenager!”  (“Home Suicide Kits“)  People who were watching the “Jeff Astrof Show starring Jeff Astrof” at home were booing.  I’m reminded of a Simpson’s episode where Homer’s brain finally has enough of Homer being so stupid that it walks out of his head.  I think my brain would have done the same.  In fact, I wish it would have so I would have shut up.  But I didn’t.  I tried laughing it off because I don’t like confrontation.  And mostly because it kills me to hurt my wife’s feelings.  Anyone who’s met the two of us– certainly anyone who’s had us back to their house twice– knows how out of my league she is in virtually every single way.  And the reason that people have us back over their houses is not just because I bring her, but because they believe that because someone like her would marry me, there must be something great about me.  Today I left them guessing.

The walk home was chilly: no amount of my saying “You know I was kidding!”  or “That guy Sam was something, huh?”  or “Did you see my Kirk Douglas impression?” could change the mood.   I’m hoping soon enough she realizes how precious she is to me, and how there’s no 28 year old in the world I would ever ever trade her for.  If not, I’ll have to find a different way to show her how much I love her.  (“Large Diamond Retailers in LA”)


Written by 100daysoff

March 12, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

4 Responses

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  1. Try a nice spa day…..

    Karen Rosen

    March 13, 2011 at 6:51 am

  2. The Google ad on this is “”Family Law Attorney” by the way.


    March 13, 2011 at 6:52 am

    • Ooh, if you click on the add did my name come up? I’ll give your wife a good rate.


      March 13, 2011 at 6:55 pm

  3. Boo, hiss! I can’t believe they renewed this guy’s contract for another year!
    Looks like you have more mop up to do than they have in Japan. I think you should blame the diet. You are obviously a Method Dieter, and have just taken the cave man element of the diet a tad to much to heart.

    John Dunlea

    March 13, 2011 at 10:32 am

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