Jeff Astrof has 100 days off. See how he spends them.

Day 25

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So, I’ve discovered that without an octogenarian man or a tiny sadistic masseuse manipulating my groin, it can be hard finding meaning in a day off.  My search for meaning is one of the small goals of this project– which moves up a notch after my wife cleaned out the garage– and there have been little flashes and hints of that along the way, either through a conversation, or a movie, or a lecture or for goddsakes a Katy Perry song.  Seriously, has there always only been four songs on the radio?

Today, with my groin on the mend, it was time to get back to business.  (After the torture, the sadistic masseuse told me to avoid seeing her again each day I should do a series of windmill stretches followed by 15 minutes of icing down my groin every day for ten days.  My streak ended after zero days, although I did stretch to reach cereal this morning and I had an iced coffee that I rested in my lap while driving.)  During my morning hike with the dogs which has really become a testing ground to see how tight a choke collar can be pulled before A): it breaks, B): the dog’s head comes off the body or C): I get arrested, I decided that today, exactly one-quarter of the way through my hundred days, would be a good day to take stock in what I’ve accomplished.  It’s actually nice to have markers like this– usually I only assess my shortcomings around the New Year and birthdays.  So, here’s how I see myself 25 days in:

Getting into Shape: B-: While my trainer has been putting me through an Olympic-style workout twice a week, and I hike the dogs every day and do an ascending number of burpees every night before I go to bed, the result has been a loss of 6 pounds of body fat, and a gain of 7 pounds of muscle mass.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself is going on.  While I was excited the other night about seeing what I thought was an ab in the mirror– until my wife gently pointed out that it was my scar from getting a questionable freckle excised– the truth is, I’m coming to the conclusion that the only way I’m going to lose weight is by eating less.  And I don’t like that.  I would give myself a lower grade than B-, save for the fact that yesterday I was able to do 100 pull-ups, 200 pushups and 300 squats in twenty minutes.  Followed by eating a pint of coconut almond fudge ice cream in less than 5 minutes.  That’s the work of an athlete.  Man, ice cream sounds good right about now.

Parenting: C+: I don’t want to be too hard on myself here because I am trying by going to family therapy once a week and that should count for something.  On the negative side, I called my son by an expletive (under my breath– he didn’t hear it, he thought I called him a little ship!), had to bribe him to play baseball, got into several fights with my daughter over homework, ruined the joy that my child got over getting high standardized test grades by making way too big a deal of it, and have made countless threats that I didn’t carry through on.  On the positive side: my kids are still alive and I can make them laugh by telling fart jokes.  Hmm.  Maybe C+ is generous. If I can rally up to B level parenting I’ll feel good about myself.

Cleaning Garage: Incomplete — My wife did it while I napped.  I give myself credit for napping and putting together shelves, but the basement is still a mess, and the tools I used to put together the shelves are still on the floor of the garage.

Work-Related Projects: B. This is a tough one to assess.  The good thing about my job is that any experience can be counted as work– fight with my wife: research for my script “Bad Husband”; ditto my potential screenplays for overeating, bad parenting, dog abuse and my spoken-word album: “Anxiety!”.  I have, however, started a scene for a show I’ve always wanted to write and wrote another scene for a friend’s potential series.  Considering that studios are calling to inquire about my availability, I better put down a “B” so they think I’ve got irons in the fire.   I’m also using some of my time on another project which involves me carrying on email dialogues with people who run Nigerian Lotteries and other such scams.  It started off as an accident, and has become a very fun side project for me.  Remind me to show an example.  I have a nice one going now with Ling Fung from the Bank of China who addressed me as a “Friend”.  I took her up on her offer of friendship and revealed some horrible secrets about myself to her– the kind of thing I would only tell a friend– and have used a story about me walking five miles in the snow to return a stranger’s radish to prove my trustworthiness.  I’m still awaiting a response.  So far, my longest correspondence has been 8 emails before the person on the other end must have realized that I was either severely retarded or using them as my side project.  One gentleman figured out my ruse and told me I was an embarrassment to my father.  True, but not for that reason.  We’ll see what happens.  Like I said, you can convince yourself that anything’s work if you’re a writer.  Hmm, maybe I’ll publish my blog…

Relationship with Wife: A-: I may be over estimating this one by a full two letter grades, but I’m really having a blast hanging out with my wife.  It’s the one thing I never really get bored of.  We’ve had lunch just about every day and even though I jokingly infer that almost everything she says is her trying to come onto me (I’m off by 100%), I insist that I could be on American Idol if they doubled the age limit (and show her why), I talk about which of her friends are really cute and give her a number grade on how she looks when I’m holding about a five these days and she’s so far out of my league everyone assumes I must come from a lot of family money– she still loves me and holds my hand in public.  I’m extremely grateful that my wife’s judgment is so impaired that she’s still as into me as I am into her.  As a side note, my wife, who thankfully for me does not recognize her true beauty always reports to me her surprise that she gets hit on at Whole Foods.  Personally, I love having a wife who’s “Whole Foods Hot”.  This isn’t Vons or Waldbaum’s for my East Coast friends, Whole Foods gets quality-looking women– including my wife.  The benefit for me that my wife gets hit on there is that we’re mostly eating organic these days.

My Blog: Incomplete: Well, duh, of course it’s incomplete, it’s only day 25.  The truth is, I’m having a blast doing it, even though the act of writing has now taken a lot of focus of my day.  I also stumbled onto the page that tells me how many people are reading it, proving that I’m not as much of a technical idiot as I claim to be.  In fact, the 3.5 million hits I have gotten seem to prove that I’m onto something.  What’s that?  Oh, I read it wrong: 3,500.  But still, it’s more than nothing.  If I had to grade my blogging experience, I’d say it’s in the B+ range, partly because I want to give myself somewhere to go, but mostly because of all the talk about my testicles.  For the record, that was the last time I’m going to refer to my groin.

Anyway, as I look forward, I still have much to accomplish.  There are still things I need to resolve over the next 75 days: I must get into better shape, the basement is a disaster and I’m considering trying back-waxing and trapeze flying.   I will never end my struggle to be a better parent and to somehow prove my worth to my wife (whom I believe is responsible for 3,200 of the 3,500 hits).  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got 25 burpees to do, then I’m off to ice my crotch.  Okay, that was the last time.


Written by 100daysoff

March 9, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

One Response

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  1. General awesomeness: A

    Shawni Astrof

    March 9, 2011 at 11:55 pm

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