The last day of my 44th year on this planet has been a good one, if uneventful. The greater part of my morning was spent trying to anonymonize (take my name off of) the little animation video I did. My lack of handiness that plagued me since I was a kid has followed me into the technological age. My first attempt to change the flat bicycle tire of my Huffy Strider 10 speed bike in ninth grade involved me using gardening shears to cut the tire off. I graduated second in my High School class out of 304 students, but there was nowhere in my brain that said, “Hey, how are you going to get the tire back on if you slice it in half?” Using this skill set, I spent several hours trying to remove my name from this video. I’m not optimistic that I was successful. My last attempt at this happened two years ago and it’s worth repeating:
The only time I have been truly successful at losing weight has been when I have had meals prepared for me and delivered to me. If I know exactly how much I’m supposed to eat, I won’t eat anymore than that– otherwise, the world is my portion. In any case, I had great success using a delivery service, I’ll call them Kosher Zone LA. Well, great success in terms of the results– in the four times I used them I lost a gross total of 120 pounds (net total =0). The pattern went as follows: I would lose weight until I could no longer stand the service (giving me hamburgers despite my pleas for no red meat, forgetting to deliver some days, etc.) at which point I would fire off an angry email to them canceling the program and promising them I would never come back. Then, after 6 months I would gain the weight back and send them a follow-up email asking if I could rejoin. The last time I did this I thought it would be funny if the follow-up email contained the thread of my angry quitting email in which I promised never to use them again. I was wrong. They told me that they were not accepting new clients. It was impossible to believe that in this economy someone had too much business. The truth, I was surmised, was that I pissed off a group of people who deal with the crankiest people in the world: dieting Jews. Certain that they were lying, I came up with the perfect plan. I sent them an email from another fictional person, Peter Rubens, asking to join.
This is what the email said: “Dear KosherZoneLA, my name is Peter Rubens. I just moved to LA and would like to go on your program. Are you accepting new clients? Sincerely, Peter Rubens.” This is how it looked to them:
From: PeterRubens@gmail.com <Jeffrey Astrof>
Dear KosherZoneLA, my name is Peter Rubens. I just moved to LA and would like to go on your program. Are you accepting new clients? Sincerely, Peter Rubens
They did not get back to me. Anyway, a long story, but one I wanted to mention. Not worth spending another second on.
Other things about my day: As I predicted, my daughter is home sick for the day. I think she has now officially missed six months of school. If her routine changes at all, or if someone sneezes in the next town, or if her body gets used to having more than two days off of school, she will get sick. I love her more than anything, but she is whiney. There, I said it. I am whiney, too, when I get sick, so I keep my body so stressed out that it is inhospitable to germs.
Today I also had lunch with my wife and another friend who was Lea Michelle before people paid a lot of money to have someone be Lea Michelle. Her name, in fact, is Michelle, and it’s always good seeing her. More importantly, it’s always nice having lunch with my wife. We’ve been married almost 11 years and I don’t thinks she’s pissed me off more than three times. She cannot say the same about me, but one of the best things about getting older is getting older with her.
Finally, I started to clean the garage! That is, I opened the garage door so I could start putting together shelves that my wife bought and I realized that I would have to clean out the garage to have room for the shelves. It was the gift of the Magi, or the rock that God created that He couldn’t lift. Or just a garage from the show Hoarders. In any case, in an effort to be productive, I removed four bags of gravel from the garage and put them in the dog run. The dog run is one of my favorite things that I’ve ever built. And by built, I mean, called someone to build. It is nothing more than a chain link fence that cuts through our backyard and lowers our property value, but it allows me to have a green lawn. And as I get older and older, things like that will get more important to me.
I ended my day by playing basketball which is one of the funnest things I do. I’ve been playing in the same game for over 12 years, and while I’m not good, I try hard. I feel like my son who runs at everything he does as hard as he can and that’s a good thing. Of course, it took its toll. In the middle of the third game I felt my cellphone buzz in my pocket, and then realized that my cellphone wasn’t in my pocket. Time to hit a hot bath. I imagine things like that will get more important to me with age.
So long, 44.